I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
