Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
