How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
