she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
