Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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