Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
