I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
