You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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