No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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