porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
