Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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