Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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