If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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