I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
