And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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