Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
