1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
