If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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