The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
