I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
