today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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