the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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