She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
