An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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