i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
