i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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