Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
