I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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