mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
