Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
