I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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