no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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