I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
