Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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