You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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