Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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