I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
