i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
