Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
