i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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