I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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