I wish I could punch you in the face.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
