Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize