you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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