I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
