Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
the raccoons are back...
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