You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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