Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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