Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
