is your mom at the bar?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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