Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
