Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize