You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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