Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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