i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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