he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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