I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
