bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
