i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
