R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
