shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize