I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
