party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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