This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
