Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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