half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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