you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
