this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
