your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
